...skriva en flata americansk

My life

2009-10-09T00:51:05Z

I just got caught up on everyone else's lives on Livejournal, and thought that it would be nice if I caught you up on mine, since I've been pretty non-communicative on the internet. The highlights are these:

I'm living in a sweet apartment with cirquoise in the Capitol Hill neighborhood of Seattle. The building also houses a WIC office, has just four units, and was built in the 1920s, so it has many charming little features, like the original icebox (now used as a bread proofing/yogurt making cupboard) complete with ancient metal Frigidaire ice cube trays.

I have a job that I like - I am the "Kitchen Team Lead" at a Specialty's Cafe and Bakery which means that I oversee the production of many many sandwiches and salads, and manage 7 employees, all of whom are dear to me in one way or another. My location is sort of the ugly stepchild of the company, having undergone an incredible amount of turnover in the last 3 months, but I feel good about being a part of positive change. I also feel good about getting decent pay, health benefits, free lunch, and never ever having to work nights or weekends. I have mixed feelings about working for a corporation - it seems very anti-Oberlin - but I think it's totally right for me.

I just attended the Grace Hopper Celebration for Women In Computing where I gave a presentation about being a failed computer science major, met many amazing technical women, and was convinced that I do actually want to work in a technical field. I still want to manage people, because I think I'm good at it, but I want to switch industries because a) I actually do like computers quite a bit, and b) technology has a fantastic amount of power for change, unlike food service. I mean, food is incredible, I love working with it, and we can't live without it, but let's face it: my job in a small kitchen focused only on making people in suits happy is not really going to change much for anyone.

So I'm applying to graduate school. I want to stay in Seattle, so I'm pretty much just looking at UW and a couple of professional masters' programs. I'm really still figuring it out - if you have any insights, please let me know!!!!

And it appears that I am going to produce a concert for Hanneke Cassel through the Seattle Folk Society. I also don't know what that entails, but I'm excited for the opportunity to work with performers again.

Oh, and also - I'm happy. So happy. In case you were wondering.

In Madison!

2009-07-26T02:42:04Z

And writing?

The Purple Kitchen (for M and K)

Walking into your home, I am struck
by the scent of lavender eminating
from the hanging herbs in the hallway.
In fact, everywhere I turn there is another shrine
to natural growth and change -
the compost by the sink
the sourdough in the fridge
the dying, drying flowers on the kitchen table.
But what comforts me most as I sit
in your purple kitchen is a reminder that
we ferment as well
are pushed through slow change
by some silent force. Along with my coffee
I taste the small spores of love
that reside insistently in your apartment
blessing your vegetables, your words, yourselves.
And wherever they may ask you to go
with their slow but forceful bubbling
they will follow you
sticking to your skin
pushing you forever onwards
towards something new
and beautiful.

(I wrote that just after reading Wild Fermentation by Sandor Ellix Katz, which probably explains its hippy-dippy qualities :-)

In Motion (translated from the Swedish)

A full day is not the best traversed.
The finest day is a day of thirst.

There may be aim and end to our search
But the path we take gives our toil worth.

The best goal is a night-long break
As we light a fire and share our bread in haste.

On ground where we sleep but once
We rest safely, dreaming only of romance.

Wake up! We go! The new day dawns.
Our great adventure has no end.

-Karin Boye

(This is the first poem I've ever translated, from Swedish or any other language. I'm still not happy with it, but it's better than the only English translation I've found online: http://www.karinboye.se/verk/dikter/dikter-mcduff/in-motion.shtml I'm happy to accept tips!)

I

2009-07-13T20:09:51Z

I went to Sweden. It was amazing. I'm magically fluent in Swedish (okay, not so magically). It's a place where I have friends and a home.

I came back, safely, even though my flight was cancelled.

I'm leaving for Madison in a week (I'm at Pinewoods now), and leaving for Seattle a week after that.

Now you know :-)

Reason number 761 why I love Sweden:

2009-06-29T08:45:37Z

The Allmansrätt, or public land law in Sweden gives all people the right to access, walk, bike, harvest or camp on ANY land, as long as it is not a private yard or extremely close to a house.

Therefore I will be camping in a park (Pildammsparken) in Malmö tonight. This is not anywhere near as bad of an idea as it would be in the US, so don't worry about me :-) I'm super excited!

Afterwards, I'm taking a train to a little town called Simrishamn about an hour away, where someone from my Swedish class is staying. The place sounds very idyllic, so there will be more public land camping and hiking, and general hanging out. Which is what I've been doing basically the whole time I've been here (minus the camping). I've spent a lot of time by myself, just reading and writing and relaxing. Usually this would make me crazy and neurotic, but my guess is that this is the last real vacation I'll have for a while, so I am taking full advantage of it.

Ha det bra, alla!

I am in Sweden!

2009-06-21T15:39:19Z

And I could write pages and pages about it, or I could just tell you all that I am safe and happy. A little lonely, as travelling alone always is, but I can't believe how much I love it here. Maybe it's just because I'm happy that I finally learned the language well enough to have a conversation with a stranger about what it's like to live in a semi-cooperative house, or maybe I thought I would feel scared and instead I feel safe, riding around on a subway I know so well, but I am very happy to be here.

Plus, Sweden in the summer is about 100 times more beautiful than Sweden in the winter. Midnight sun, dudes! Well, more like midnight dusk, but whatever.

Hope all who are settled are happy, and all who travel are safe.

I was just thinking

2009-06-05T20:24:17Z

it occurs to me
that choosing is
always a kind of death
everything else
that could have happened
buried and gone.
I mourn my parallel
universe life
which has moved
to a home with no address
a yurt maybe, or
a nomadic lean-to.
I write postcards
which I cannot send
with pictures of skylines
blue oceans and bright
green islands.
I put stamps on
and burn them
clearing the air
in my new home –
a small apartment
with a mailbox
bolted surely
to the doorframe.

flyinghambo @ 2009-03-18T20:36:00

2009-03-19T01:10:49Z

Wow. So I realized that I really hadn't posted on here in a long time, which made me think that I should, because a lot of stuff has happened since January that's pretty cool, or at least interesting. So, in backwards chronological order (ish):

1) I finished the first draft of my honors thesis!!!! Yessss. I feel really good about it.

2) I skipped an entire afternoon of school-related stuff to bask in the sun of the most beautiful day so far this year in 4 parks on Lake Erie.

3) I bought a plane ticket to Sweden for three weeks this summer.

4) I submitted a presentation proposal on "Feminist Perspectives on Teaching Computer Science" for the Grace Hopper Celebration next October.

5) I got paid to call at the Cleveland Advanced Dance with Jonah, Michael and Kirsten.

6) I decided that I might want to go to grad school after all...in computer science.

7) I went to a conference celebrating women in computing (OCWIC!)

8) I spent Valentine's Day going to Walmart and McDonald's with my bro, and then laying in bed watching The Incredibles by myself.

9) Joe Crookston played a house concert in my living room.

In other news, plans for the Dandelion Romp are progressing very nicely (everyone should come!). I also have an extremely large hole in my living room ceiling owing to the fact that we had a pipe burst. And I will be traveling next week! Tomorrow through Saturday morning I will be in Charlottesville, then Baltimore until Sunday, then Portland until Thursday, then back to Baltimore until Sunday for my friend's 100th birthday party (!!!)

rejected titles for my honors project:

2009-03-18T16:25:39Z

"Dood, I'm gay: stories of queer young lives"

"I was a teenage homo: violence, gender and narrative in queer young lives"

"Listen to what I’m (not) saying: violence and the queer narrative"

"Superqueer: violence, performance and narrative in queer young lives"

"Young, Queer and American"

I am so _almost_ done. With the first draft, that is. Luckily, the rhetoric department has given me enough extra print quota to print 3 copies! Yay!

(I'm a) dorkface

2009-01-21T23:17:08Z

Like the true nerd I am, I have created a bread blog: http://flourwatersaltandyeast.blogspot.com You will be exceedingly bored if you are not obsessed with chemistry, bread or food. Or me, I guess. But check it out! Read all about my successes and failures manipulating simple ingredients.

Overall, my winter term is going well. I really like my job, except that time between when I get up in the morning at 4:05 and when my car finally heats up, about 10 minutes into my commute. Every morning I think, man, I really should have gone to bed earlier, and count the days until Saturday, when I can at last sleep in. But when I get to work, all of that goes away. The smell of bread and pastry, the warmth of the oven, blues music blasting, and just an energy that defies the time of night. Most of my (2 or 3 on any given day) co-workers get to work at 1 or 2AM and are still in their stride at 5 when I come in. Everyone there loves their job, loves what we make and are willing to go great lengths to give the people the most delicious bread and pastry possible.

My specific tasks at the bakery are not terribly difficult. I make a few deliveries, sell stuff to people, use a power slicer, spread nut cream on day-old croissants, package frozen pastry dough, and occasionally watch YouTube videos of Roy Orbison at my boss's request. But there are days, when things are going well, when someone will say, Hey, come here and try this, and I'll get to shape a few loaves of bread, or make a custard, or squeeze out puff pastry into little cream puff shapes. I live for these moments, and for the times when I really get to see the love and care that goes into the food we make. It's really inspiring working directly for someone who owns his own business, and is nowhere near sick of it.

The rest of the day I sometimes try to do things that are productive, but usually fail by watching crappy tv or making food (which I guess isn't really failure :-) I keep meaning to watch the MTV show "Bromance" but keep missing it. Has anyone seen it?

Tonight I'm going to a ballet class for the first time in almost ten years. It should be exciting, and humbling. Here's hoping I can walk tomorrow. Ha.

my winter term project:

2008-12-16T21:16:19Z

Emma, OK, next week, Monday and Tuesday, 22nd & 23rd, 2am start, 1:50 arrival. I'll be there around 1am. We'll have fun working at all the various aspects of real traditional baking. January 4th looks good. We're ready for you, your uniform is waiting. Cameron BreadmasterPastryPrince

This is the man I am working for. Oh lordy.

Also, when am I going to sleep???

whoa exciting news

2008-12-01T01:00:20Z

I have a _job_ for Winter Term! Man, I love only having to do three projects in four years.

This morning, I went to meet with a baker at Madison Sourdough Company about the possibility of doing an internship learning to make long-fermenting bread. I was slightly wary, because he seemed so as well, and because the bread thing would entail working 2AM-10AM many days a week. But, I love bread, so nonetheless, I went to see what the deal is. Turns out that one of the people working there is taking a vacation for the month of January, so I'm basically taking her job for a little while. Which means a) I only have to work 5AM-11AM, b) I get PAID, and c) I get to make lots and lots of almond croissants. Oh! AND, I have a uniform, complete with baker's jacket. I feel so awesome.

So, for anyone who would like to send me letters or visit over Winter Term, you are welcome to do so. I will be in Madison, and I can give you my exact address if you'd like.

Now to, y'know, write my honors paper.

Thanks and Giving

2008-11-29T04:09:58Z

Last Thanksgiving was the second-worst I had ever had. I was in Stockholm on an American study-abroad program, and I ate dinner and drank lots of wine with kids from my program who I didn't really like. It was the first one I had ever spent without my family, which is perhaps why this year, with just my immediate family and my brother's girlfriend, was possibly the best. We made an insane number of dishes for the six of us, including turkey, sweet potatoes au gratin, red cabbage, stuffing, chard, baguettes and pumpkin pie. No one was mean to anyone else, and we all helped with the cooking and cleaning.

Being at home this time around has been nice in other ways, too. I found a bunch of clothes I didn't know I still had, and made chocolate chip cookies Pinewoods-style, which my family admitted were better than my mother's. I even told my mom that I broke up with a girl, and she was genuinely sympathetic. Later, when we were out for a walk, I told her that I always feel lethargic when I'm at home. "Maybe it's because you're so relaxed," she said, "because you know you can be yourself at home." And finally, I think I do.

So, while at this time of year, I give thanks for my family, for my housemates, for my friends who listen when I whine and cry, and write back when I send letters, this year I give thanks in particular for my mother. After four years of ignoring and denouncing the queer and the feminist in me, she has found it in her heart to meet me in the middle, and I am so grateful.

The end of the summer.

2008-08-30T16:29:07Z

Like that Dar Williams song, but much less depressing.

For anyone whom it affects, I am getting back to Oberlin on Sunday night.

It's a strange day, today. Campers left this morning and more are coming in a few hours, just like every Saturday, but now I'm packing too. I am stripping down 3 months of living from the walls of tiny Lads 9 and squishing it in my car. Mog left this morning along with Hannah, and Sylvie and other Hannah are leaving today.

I did a lot of cool things this summer. I did a lot of nothing, too. Again, this place has revived me from a scary bad place and is sending me out towards something I'm afraid of, but excited for too. I think I learned this summer how to believe in myself. I think I grew up. I also learned how to make bread and veggie stock and awesome tomato sauce, how to cut lemons in the shape of a crown, how to do Border Morris, how to flirt in an innocent way, how to dance in heels, and how to take a day off and take care of myself.

Advice

2008-08-09T22:21:37Z

I need some academic advice. I'm trying to recompile my class schedule for next year in a way that will make me happy, and there are many ways to do this. Here are things I am most definitely doing:

GAWS Honors Project
Feminist Research Methodologies
Swedish Language ExCo (co-teaching)
FYSP in public art (writing associate)

Which leaves me needing 3 more credits in order to be full time. These could be obtained in a number of ways:

Arabic 1 (5 credits)

Theory of Computer Science (3 credits)

2 ExCos plus 2 PhysEd classes

Private reading in network theory with Alexa Sharp plus an ExCo or a PhysEd

Some other real class involving class time and reading and papers

Now, the private reading I think intrigues me most (because I love Alexa and I'm really interested in networks) but my question (especially to those who have experienced a senior year at Oberlin) is this: Is it a mistake to write myself a schedule that involves only 3 hours a week of in-class time where I am a student? I'm afraid that I will spend too much time sleeping, or alone, or just plain not doing work. Blargh. Except not really. Because you may notice that this thought about my schedule suggests that I may actually be excited about returning to school (!)

1, 2, 3

2008-08-05T01:38:51Z

Okay. I'm ready to start putting my life back together now.

I will email professors, put together a class schedule that won't make me want to die. I will start finding volunteer opportunities for queer youth in Ohio for my Honors project. I will find recipes to put into action in Fairkid and in my house. I will start talking to people again and stop hiding in my cabin. I will start writing again. I will write fiction, I will write memoirs, I will write letters. I will read poetry for real. I will meditate. I will find what has become of myself, after love, Sweden, depression and academic bullshit have had their way with me.

flyinghambo @ 2008-06-09T19:38:00

2008-06-09T23:41:48Z

It's strange. I don't feel compelled to post here when I'm on the internet every day, but when it's twice a week or less I feel like I need to let everyone know how I'm doing.

Not much has happened. I've done a lot of work, eating, sleeping, and naked swimming. My brain has started a long process of processing my unhappiness from the past six months. I bought really expensive insoles for my shoes so I won't get plantar facaitis from standing for 8 hours a day. And Pinewoods is totally beautiful. Like, no words beautiful. When I first got here it was disconcerting; what right do I have to be somewhere that looks like a postcard all summer? But now I'm remembering how lucky I am, how much I do want to be here even if I'm a little disconnected.

Alive again

2008-06-02T18:19:26Z

I'm here, I'm at Pinewoods and in for the long haul. Before this, I survived a week's worth of working for ResEd, some storage disasters, emotional mush and a taxing 12-hour drive east. I have a nice little cabin with cabana-striped curtains that looks out on a pond. I have dirty white kitchen pants that fit me. I have lots of work ahead of me.

I also don't know how to function when I don't have constant work to do. I feel like I haven't taken a true day off in 4 months (which isn't true actually, but might have been true metaphorically). But today is my first day off, so I am learning to relax, or trying to. I'll make a few phone calls, fix my cabin door, and go dancing tonight. Does that sound normal?

Email from algorithms professor at 12:30 last night:

2008-05-16T12:39:39Z

So, just thought I'd let you know your 280 situation.

I graded the final; you got a 90% after the curve. 90%!!

After 'dropping' your lowest hwk, etc., you ended up with an 88%,
which gives you a B+.

...

Enjoy your summer!

[does a victory dance]
I love curves. Of all sorts.

flyinghambo @ 2008-05-10T20:15:00

2008-05-11T00:19:37Z

I feel like crap. (figures that as soon as I leave Oberlin, as soon as I don't have a million and two things to do, I get sick.) I'm trying to bring myself to go downstairs and socialize with the people who came to my brother's recital, but I don't know if that's going to happen anytime soon. Maybe I'll just stay in my room and do work...I do have that algorithms assignment due at midnight...

On the upside, I received an Oscar Wilde action figure from my former calculus teacher. It was absolutely charming.

flyinghambo @ 2008-05-09T08:50:00

2008-05-09T13:10:09Z

I'm in Madison, back for my brother's senior recital. I hate airports. Seeing my dad is nice. My mom is a little crazy, though. I walked in the house, she gave me a hug and then put me to work putting 30-some pounds of fudge in boxes for my brother's French Club fundraiser. My brother got his braces off. I'm looking foward to going to the Farmer's Market on Saturday. My bed is still strange and uncomfortable.

This time last year on repeat: Kris Delmhorst, "Juice + June"/Ani DiFranco, "As Is"
Now playing most often: We're About 9, "All The Time"/Ellis, "Hurricane"
There are still magnolia trees.

pride

2008-04-27T02:21:04Z

Things I am proud of myself for this week:

-giving a kickass presentation in my seminar
-finishing the first draft of my final paper for said seminar
-ASM'ing a show at the same time, while I also was getting over food poisoning
-planning to hand in an assignment late rather than not sleeping to finish it
-putting my physical/mental health before my academics
-making a (impressively real looking) corsage for my Prom Special Meal date (when it comes to taking girls on formal/semi-formal dates, I don't fuck around)

Things are starting to get better. They're starting to make more sense. I still miss the life I had in Stockholm, but Oberlin isn't so bad. There isn't a clear line between intense academia and living holistically. I'm starting to let people really support me. It's springtime, and there are happy people everywhere. I'm even thinking of giving up my planned Saturday night of washing underwear in the sink and watching Heathers by myself for going to a party (!). But first, in honor of my ability to eat solid food for the first time since Wednesday, I'm going to go make cupcakes in the coop.

flyinghambo @ 2008-04-17T00:15:00

2008-04-17T04:20:12Z

bad things:

-first draft of 20-page paper due in 1.5 weeks
-presentation on said paper in 1 week
-little fish going up about that time
-algorithms assignments
-my messy messy room

good things:

-sun
-dancing
-ellis tomorrow
-magnolia trees
-snuggles

It evens out.

In other news, I am having an existential crisis. The great thing about this is that it makes me absolutely unable to procrastinate.

Spring Break!

2008-03-28T02:59:08Z

This week, so far, has been just what I needed. Baltimore was sunny (!) and full of flowers (!) and made even more lovely by having Becca as my excellent tour guide and general companion. I now have far too many books (from the Book Thing!) and hippie toothpaste and a newfound appreciation for the mid-Atlantic region. Yesterday was a great and innovative vegetarian dinner at the Sunflower, followed by a fantastic concert with We're About 9 and Girlyman. Today has been my first trip to DC with Julia, complete with lots of time spent with our most interesting national monuments (I have so many academic-ish things to say about these, but I'll spare you) plus bones and bugs and rocks and folk art and hip-hop portraits.

Now I'm trying to chip away at the daunting tasks of my 20-page seminar paper and my honors proposal, as well as trying to remember to do my CSCI homework before Monday. Naturally, I'm dreading my impending return to Ohio. There are so many good things to come in these next couple months, but _so_ much work surrounding them. I guess all I can do is remember to breathe :)

flyinghambo @ 2008-03-15T15:18:00

2008-03-15T19:30:39Z

On idiocy:

I re-broke my ass last night when I decided that it would be a great idea to bounce into bed butt-first. Apparently I forgot about that whole bruising-my-tailbone debaucle. Whoops.

On bad-assery:

I have my first real calling gig tonight in Columbus. I'm planning on wearing my awesome gray fedora and a skirt I made. I can't really decide if I'm more excited for the dance itself, or for the fact that we're going to Waffle House afterwards.

I also mixed a really awesome drink last night consisting of gin, grapefruit juice, cranberry juice and lime.

On procrastination:

I should probably be using this hour to make sense of algorithms or start writing my lit review, but it sounds like such a better idea to work on my spring break mix.

one for the win

2008-03-08T23:45:00Z

I just successfully completed my first algorithms test! And it was awesome!

Unfortunately, even if I get all of the points, it's only 8% of my grade. Sucks to be a good test-taker/not-so-great homework doer in this class (each homework is around 5%).

In other news, there's probably almost 2 feet of snow on the ground in Oberlin right now. It's the weekend and the snow's still falling, so it hasn't been plowed yet, which makes getting around really fun. Knowing ridiculous Northeastern Ohio, it'll probably be 60 degrees in a matter of days.